


I Wrote My Way Out

by axton_writes



Series: 9-1-1 Drabbles [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Smut, Freeform, M/M, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, They get together, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:48:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23714677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axton_writes/pseuds/axton_writes
Summary: Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts, suicide notes, mention of attempted suicideEddie has an emergency and has to drop Christopher off with Buck. He finds something he probably shouldn't have.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: 9-1-1 Drabbles [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1689991
Comments: 3
Kudos: 344





	I Wrote My Way Out

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from both Hurricane from Hamilton and Wrote My Way Out by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

It started off as a note to Eddie, apologizing for the lawsuit. 

Then, it turned into a love note, an admission of feelings for Eddie.

It ended as a suicide note, and Buck didn’t understand how or why it did, but once he had finished writing the second page, it felt right. 

Buck stood up from where he was sitting at the counter, pen dropping onto the page, and he walked towards the bathroom, feeling the twinge in his leg as he got to the sink. He grabbed either side of the granite with his hands, looking in the mirror for a moment or two, feeling every ounce of guilt and shame of the past two weeks wash over him. He straightened up and reached for the orange bottle of pain meds, popping the cap off and looking down at the little white pills, thinking about how easy it would be to end his life right then and there, how nobody would know or care. 

He looked at himself in the mirror, his hands beginning to shake. He set the pill bottle down, watched as his eyes grew red and the tears fell, but he couldn’t feel a single emotion. Nobody would care, he would be solving more problems by dying, and he would be fixing every mistake he’d ever made. The lawsuit would go away, can’t have a lawsuit when the person filing is dead. Eddie could continue on with Bosko instead of him, Bobby wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. 

He reached down and took the pill bottle back into his hands, pouring out a little handful and raising it to his mouth, squeezing his eyes closed and taking a deep breath. 

The doorknob to the apartment jiggled, making Buck panic and drop his handful of pills onto the counter. He set the bottle down and wiped his eyes, closing the bathroom door behind him as he made his way to his couch, flicking the TV for a moment, the volume low. 

The door swung open, and the little clicks of a pair of crutches on the ground made him look from his position on the couch. 

“Buck? You home?”

Buck’s heart dropped, and a hot wave of guilt made itself a home in his throat. 

Eddie walked into the apartment, closing the door behind him. Christopher sat down on the first step on the staircase. He peaked around the staircase, the worry on his face melting away. 

“Listen, Buck, I’d hate to do this to you, and I know we aren’t supposed to be talking because of the lawsuit, but Carla had an emergency and Abuela won’t be back from Texas for another week. I need you to watch Christopher.”

Buck stood up and glanced from Eddie to Christopher, who was smiling at Buck with the biggest grin he could manage. 

“Don’t worry, I got him.”

Eddie let out a breath and clapped him on the shoulder. 

“I owe you one.”

He dipped down to press a kiss to his son’s cheek, said goodbye, and ran out of the apartment, door slamming behind him. Christopher looked up at Buck with another huge grin.

“Hi, Bucky.”

“Hey, buddy.”

=+=

Eddie didn’t come back to the apartment until well past two a.m., and he made sure to tread lightly in the apartment, not wanting to wake up Buck or his son in case they were both asleep. He found Buck curled up on the couch, a pillow clutched in his hands, and a blanket tossed over his legs. A box of half eaten pizza and two empty cups sat on the coffee table, Christopher’s crutches laid on the floor in front of the TV,  xbox controllers on the floor next to them, and the tv still on the same screen. 

Eddie let out a light sigh, beginning to clean up the mess by turning off the tv and picking up the pizza, going to set things down in the kitchen. He decided to make his way to the bathroom, going to relieve himself before continuing. He closed the door behind him before turning on the light. He looked down at the sink to find the pill bottle, still open and sitting on the counter, and pills on the floor. He leaned down and picked them up, tossing what was on the floor and capping off the bottle. 

Once he finished washing his hands, he made his way back to the kitchen, putting the pizza box in the refrigerator and setting the cups in the sink. He went to pick up a rag from the counter and he knocked the pen from its original spot, the note falling with it. Eddie picked both items up, glancing down at the note, and he froze in his spot, seeing as the note had his name on it, and it was covered, both back to front with Buck’s handwriting. 

He pulled out one of the chairs at the counter quietly and sat down, turning the note over to the beginning. 

_ Eddie,  _

_ You must hate me by now, and I completely understand. I haven’t been there for you and Christopher in these past few weeks, because of this lawsuit. I need you to understand that I don’t hate you, but I’m doing this because I need this job. I’m sorry for all the pain and frustration I’m putting you through. It hasn’t been easy being away from you, trust me. Every night I want to reach out to you, tell you I’m still here, and I know it’s not enough for you to forgive me. _

_ Just know that I love you, Edmundo Diaz. I’ve loved you since I’ve first laid eyes on you. I’ve loved you since we took a grenade out of that dude’s leg in the ambulance. I’ve loved you since the earthquake, since I’ve introduced you to Carla, since I left Abby’s apartment and since the accident. You and Christopher have become such an essential part of my life that I don’t know what to do now that I can’t talk to you. I miss telling you stupid jokes and taking Christopher out for ice cream and staying up with the two of you playing video games on a school night. I miss our family dinners with everyone.  _

_ I guess this is where I leave you. Tell Christopher I love him and that I’m going away for a while. Tell Bobby he doesn’t have to worry about the lawsuit anymore, and that he doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. Tell Chim to take care of Maddie, tell Maddie to take care of Chim, and tell  _ _ Hen _ _ she’s the best damn firefighter I’ve ever known.  _

_ Eddie, you’re my everything. Take care of Christopher and yourself, I’ll see you soon. Maybe we can grab a beer? _

_ Buck. _

Eddie couldn’t tell when the tears began to fall, when he had crumpled the paper in his hands, or when Buck had come up to him and wrapped his arms around him, but soon he found himself holding onto Buck’s arms for dear life as sobs wracked his body. Buck pulled him out of the chair and lead them over to the couch, where he could hold Eddie in his lap, and he let out a sigh, running a hand through Eddie’s hair for a moment. 

“Eds, hey, what’s wrong?”

Eddie looked up to Buck, keeping his voice up to a whisper so he wouldn’t wake his son in the loft above them. 

“You wanted to kill yourself?” Buck bit his lip and looked away from Eddie, his hands moving to rest on Eddie’s hips. He avoided Eddie’s eyes until Eddie placed a hand under his chin, forcing Buck to look at him. “Evan, why did you want to kill yourself?”

Buck closed his eyes. Eddie never called him Evan unless he was upset or being incredibly affectionate. This was the latter time, making Buck’s guilt even worse.

“Because I couldn’t come back.” Buck opened his eyes and looked at Eddie, searching his face for any sign of anger or resentment. Instead, he found sadness and fear, and he looked away from Eddie. “The lawyer wanted to give me a settlement instead of my job, I was going to lose you from this lawsuit, and I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t have my job or my best friend back.”

Eddie pulled Buck’s chin back to him, leaning down and pressing a kiss to his lips, and Buck stilled for a few seconds before melting into Eddie, moving his lips in time with Eddie’s. From his position on the couch, Eddie swung a leg over Buck, now sitting up and straddling his hips, pulling Buck closer and deepening the kiss. They both pulled away, gasping for breath, and Buck looked up at him  quizzically . 

“Eddie?”

“I love you too, Evan.”

Buck’s cheeks were flushed red, lips kiss-swollen and glistening in the low light. He looked Eddie up and down for a moment, his eyes landing on his nametag still pinned onto his uniform shirt. 

“How long?”

Eddie cupped his hand under his jaw, making Buck look up at him. 

“Since we’ve met. Since the ambulance, since Shannon, since the accident, since the tsunami,” to make a point, he leaned down and ghosted a feather-light kiss to Buck’s lips again. 

Buck ran his hands up from Eddie’s hips to his shoulder blades, hooking his fingers onto his shoulder, and he leaned forward to press his face into his chest. 

“I love you so much.”

Eddie ran his fingers through Buck’s hair, and he leaned down to press a kiss to his hair. 

“Don’t you ever leave me.”

Buck pulled away, and he grabbed the back of Eddie’s neck, pulling him down for a heated kiss, letting his hands trail forward to yank his tie off. He tossed it to the side, soon working at the buttons on Eddie’s uniform, but Eddie stopped him, placing his steady hands over Buck’s shaking ones. 

“Buck, we don’t have to do this right now.” Buck let out a quiet whine, rolling his hips up against Eddie’s, and Eddie leaned forward, catching himself with a hand on the back of Buck’s couch, and he bit his lip, catching a moan in the back of his throat. “Okay, never mind.” He leaned back, letting Buck work each button off of his shirt, and he pulled it off of himself, tossing it back with his tie. Buck rucked up his under shirt, cool hands tracing over warm skin, dipping his fingers into Eddie’s hips and pressing down lightly. Eddie leaned down and pulled Buck into a kiss, his hands moving to tug at Buck’s shirt, taking it off in one swoop, and he pulled away to get a good look at him. 

Buck blushed for a moment before peeling off Eddie’s shirt and tossing it onto the floor, and he grinned. 

“Like what you see?”

Eddie let out a huff and nodded. 

“Oh, yeah.”

He was back at Buck’s lips in a moment, and he moved down to his jaw, peppering kisses where he could reach, and he moved down to his neck, pressing light kisses, until Buck grabbed a handful of Eddie’s ass and squeezed, making Eddie gasp and bite down on Buck. He sucked a red mark into his neck, and moved back up to nip at his earlobe. 

“Why don’t you do us a favor and get these off of me?”

Buck’s hands flew to Eddie’s belt, clumsily undoing the buckle and popping his button, dragging the zipper down as slow as possible, and Eddie slapped a hand over his mouth to quiet the groan that escaped. Buck hooked his fingers into his belt loops, pulling down the fabric until it bunched up at his knees. 

Eddie stood, kicking off his boots and pants, and he got on his knees in front of Buck, leaning forward to hook his fingers into his sweats, pulling them down and yanking them off in a swoop and leaning forward, his hands rubbing up Buck’s thighs, pushing them open with a little nudge. He grabbed the waistband of his boxers, making intense eye contact with him as he pulled them down as well, tossing them into the ever-growing pile of clothing next to the coffee table. 

Buck’s cock laid thick and hard against his stomach, making Eddie lick his lips a little. Buck bit down on his hand as Eddie wrapped his fingers around Buck’s hard on, giving him a little tug, and he leaned down to take his tip into his mouth, licking as he gave him a little suck. He bucked his hips, Eddie pushing him back down with his hands. He pulled off just as soon as he started, climbing back into Buck’s lap and rolling his hips, rubbing both of their cocks together, and he choked out a quiet moan. 

“Evan.”

Buck pushed two fingers past Eddie’s lips, getting them wet with his saliva, and he reached around, gently prodding at his hole for just a moment before slipping a finger inside Eddie, and he leaned down, pressing his head into Buck’s neck. 

“Fuck, Evan.”

“Yeah, baby?”

Eddie rolled his hips again, a delicate moan released into Buck’s neck. 

“Need more.”

Buck waited a moment before pushing in a second finger, gently rocking them in and out of Eddie, giving him time to adjust before he added a third, making Eddie shudder. 

Once he was satisfied that Eddie was open enough and ready, he patted Eddie’s hip, making him pull up on his knees. 

He lined himself up with Eddie’s entrance, and he helped guide him down. 

Eddie bit his lip hard as he sank onto Buck, and he let out a sigh once Buck bottomed out, giving himself a minute to adjust. Buck’s eyes closed, rubbing soothing circles into Eddie’s hips as he waited for Eddie to give him the okay, and he leaned forward to kiss Eddie slowly, loving how the man responded on top of him. 

After a minute, Eddie brought himself up and sank back down, finding a deliciously slow pace for both him and Buck, and soon he was working himself up, bouncing a little faster and a little higher, holding one of his hands over his mouth and leaning the other on Buck’s thigh, trying to stay quiet. 

Buck couldn’t help but lean forward and wrap his arms around Eddie’s waist, his breathy moans blocked by his face in Eddie’s chest, and he let Eddie control the pace, pressing hot, open mouthed kisses and light bites into his abs. 

It wasn’t long before Eddie’s thighs were burning with the effort, and he could feel a tight coil in his stomach every time he dropped himself onto Buck a certain way, and Buck tried to adjust his position, lifting Eddie a little to get a leg up on the couch. Eddie dropped down and froze for a moment, electricity shooting up his spine, making his mind go blank, and Buck had to slap a hand over Eddie’s mouth before the man let out a loud moan. He looked down at Buck, rocking his hips a little before picking up the pace again. 

It took only a few more moments before Eddie came first, biting down on Buck’s neck to keep his moans low, covering his thighs and Buck’s stomach in thick white ropes of come. Buck came soon after, throbbing and filling Eddie, making the man let out a whine at how sensitive he was. 

Eddie pressed a kiss right over where he had just bit Buck, moving to pull Buck into a lazy kiss, nipping at his lower lip and pressing himself impossibly closer. 

Buck pulled away and cupped Eddie’s face. 

“I love you, Edmundo.”

Eddie smiled tiredly at him and nuzzled into his palm, pressing a quick kiss there as well. 

“I love you too, Evan.”

Buck was the first to move Eddie back onto the couch, getting up and walking over to the kitchen and grab a washcloth to clean them both up. 

Eddie was beginning to doze off into the couch when Buck came back, cleaning up his thighs and wiping up what had already begun to leak out of Eddie, and he shook his head. 

“You’re  gonna be a mess in the morning.”

Eddie just grinned lazily at Buck, shrugging. 

“I don’t have a shift; I can take as long of a shower as I need. Maybe  _ mi  _ _ novio _ can join me.”

Buck shook his head and wiped himself up before tossing Eddie’s boxers back at him. 

“Get decent.” Buck pulled on his own boxers, finding Eddie’s under shirt and pulling it on. He turned around, and Eddie looked up. Seeing his last name emblazoned on the back of his new boyfriend sent a warm feeling of protection into his heart, and he stood up, going to wrap his arms around Buck’s waist. 

“I love seeing my name on you.”

Buck let out a quiet laugh and turned around, pressing a shirt into Eddie’s hands and pecking his cheek. 

“Good.”

Eddie pulled on the shirt Buck handed him and helped him finish cleaning the room and the kitchen. 

It was two forty-five in the morning when Christopher began to stir in the loft, calling out for Buck, but Eddie got up the stairs first, climbing into Buck’s bed with his son. 

“Hey, buddy.”

“Daddy?”

“I’m right here.”

Buck was up the stairs a few moments later with a glass of water and a children’s book, setting them both on the nightstand before crawling into bed with the two. 

“Bucky?”

“I’m here, Chris.”

Eddie looked up to Buck, and Buck was looking at Christopher like he was the only thing that mattered in the world. When Buck finally looked at Eddie, he looked at Eddie like  _ he _ was the only thing that mattered in the world. 

He was where he needed to be.

He was home.

**Author's Note:**

> Oops, I wrote some smut at 2 in the fucking morning.


End file.
